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Fifty Shades of Truth and BS

Exposing abuse under the guise of BDSM & related reflections on self-recovery.

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From Surviving to Thriving

It has been a very long time since I last posted to my blog and there is a wonderful reason why. I was taking a much-needed mental health hiatus.

My diagnosis of C-PTSD a few years back was a blessing in disguise. At least that is how I look at it now. Initially the diagnosis was difficult to handle but years down the road I am so very thankful for the diagnosis because it allowed me to take the steps to heal from my past traumas and to grow from them.

Since my diagnosis I have had a lot of therapy and have learned to look at life in a different light than I used to when I was i nthe thick of my PTSD. Everything these days seems to be brighter and happier. I look forward to the future and it seems that every day just gets better and better. I even enjoy those days that you wish could have ended before they started. I try to find the bright side of every life encounter and have faith that if I don’t see the bright side right away it will be revealed to me eventually.

How did I get here? Like I said, initially it took a lot of therapy which helped me to learn how to retrain my brain for the better. The most important thing that I took away from therapy is learning how to take responsibility for my life today. I may not have had control over some of the horrible things that happened to me as a child and even in my adult life but I do have control over my life now. I do have the ability to stop the cycle of trauma. I do have the responsibility to love myself enough to not put myself in situations that can have the potential to continually traumatize me. I do have a say in how my life goes these days and I am thankful for that!

I have a girlfriend who has been in a few abusive relationships and has also been diagnosed with PTSD. I try to be as supportive to her as possible when she needs me. There have been a few times in the past few years where her life has been in complete turmoil and she calls me and asks how I am so happy these days. She doesn’t understand how she can ever get out of the negative PTSD cycle of self hate and perpetual trauma.

My answer to her is alway similar – stop reliving the trauma. The moment you decide to take responsibility for your life and to change it for the better is the moment you will start to get better and recover from this disease that we call Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. That moment that you realize, “I can change the direction my life is going and take a positive turn” is the initial step to healing.

She has not yet grasped this concept but I will be her friend as long as she needs me and hope that one day she will understand what I mean. I cannot judge her for not understanding what I mean yet because there was a point in my life where I was so deeply depressed by my PTSD that I couldn’t even imagine a light at the end of the tunnel. I am not better than her and I will never judge her for the decisions she makes in her life today. But I can be a gentle guide and hope that one day she switches her mindset from surviving to thriving.

And today I cannot even imagine going back to survival mode. Today my life is thriving and I am joyous and elated to see what the future holds in store for me. I am so thankful for this journey we call life and hope I can inspire you to look at life in a similar light.

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Dear Reader; Thank You From the Bottom of My Heart! <3

Dear Reader;

Let’s be honest.  I was terrified to create Fifty Shades Of Truth and BS because I knew it would expose the unflattering truths of the BDSM lifestyle that I used to live. The social stigma and the daily life associated with such a lifestyle are not nearly as glamorous as the elaborate fantasies told in the Fifty Shades Trilogy (by author E. L. James).  Yet, here you are still reading.

Most people cannot begin to fathom the lifestyle that I onced lived as an active member of the BDSM community.  I was once labeled as a slave and I naively assumed the position given my previous life conditioning.  I did not have the ability to say “no” to abuser M nor was I able to recognize that such a relationship was unhealthy and doomed from the get-go.  Did I live the 24/7 BDSM lifestyle by choice?  No.  There was a time when I was in denial and refused to believe or acknowledge that my introduction and entry into the lifestyle was against my will.  However, after quite a bit of recovery work I now see that my apparent complete submission to a self proclaimed sociopath (amongst other things) was nothing more than a product of the combination of circumstance associated with the neglect and abuse that I endured as a child as well as the vulnerabilities associated with such traumas.  My vulnerabilities were completely exposed and apparent to such a man of wit and manipulation.  And he seized the opportunity to his advantage. 

I now also realize that I am not alone in this frequent phenomenon.  BDSM can seem fun and enchanting but it can also be very dangerous and even deadly at times.  And that is one of the many reasons as to why I am ending the silence on my personal experiences with domestic violence and related abuse.

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Let’s be even more honest.  I truly believed that I would be highly stigmatized due to the lifestyle that I engaged in (despite the good intention behind the message that I am trying to exude here).  If only I could easily convey the isolating stigma that I have personally encountered by being an open member of such a community but it is not so easy to comprehend if you have not personally encountered similar stigmatization yourself.  It is an assumed and calculated risk if you openly claim to engage in the BDSM lifestyle.  Yet such a risk healthily provokes the members of the BDSM community to lovingly and loyally support each other as if they are all members of an extended tight knit family.

However… to my great astonishment I have encountered 99% positive feedback on my blog.  I am taken aback!  Yes of course I have encountered a few negative duds along the way, but such is life.  I won’t let words bring me down after all I have endured in life.

Anyways, what I really want to say is…

THANK YOU FOR FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART!

For your support.

It means the world to me. 

This letter is intended for everyone and anyone who is reading my blog, despite your opinions or viewpoints.  The purpose of my blog is to spread the word about the dangers associated with BDSM and related domestic abuse while also promoting my recovery from CPTSD.  Your presence here on my blog has accomplished just that.  So, thank you again from the bottom of my heart.

With Love,

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 P.S. I hope you stay tuned in to my future journey!

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