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Fifty Shades of Truth and BS

Exposing abuse under the guise of BDSM & related reflections on self-recovery.

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FiftyShadesOfGrey

The Ultimate Guide to BDSM – Video by Carvaka

Hello Lovelies!

The release of Fifty Shades Darker has reignited the general public’s interest in all things BDSM. However, many newbie BDSM’ers are often left a little bewildered about some of the finer details of this strange new world. While we all are pretty familiar with handcuffs and blindfolds, many would struggle to tell their armbinders from their Wartenberg Pinwheels! Thankfully the guys over at Carvaka have produced an ultimate guide that tells you all you need to know. It even covers an explanation of some of the slightly confusing lingo used as well as introducing some of the more commonly used BDSM toys. So if you are intrigued by BDSM and looking to learn a little bit more, check out the below video!

And as always, please stay safe, sane and consensual.

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A Much Needed Update!

Hello lovelies!

It has come to my attention that my blog has grown to become more popular with the recent release of Fifty Shades Darker and with that I am aware that I need to update everyone on my progress and also push forward with more content on this blog.

Here is a brief update on me which I can dive into more in further posts.  The biggest update is that I am no longer crippled by (C)PTSD.  For a while it certainly consumed me.  These days I look back and almost wonder how I could ever be so sick.  But PTSD is very real and it can happen to anyone.  I am so thankful for my personal journey and that I am now where I am today in my recovery.  It took a lot of work and I hope that I can share details with my readers so that they may benefit as well.  Also, I want to thank my readers for their kind support and words of encouragement during some of the most difficult points in my recovery.  I will forever appreciate it and dream that I can also be a source of support for others in need.  And that is why I blog!

I have briefly read over some of my older posts and I am so grateful to say that I have come a long way since many of my older posts.  Some are even shocking to me and I can’t wait to update you on more details of my recovery specific to past posts.

These days I have made my well being a priority in my life.  It has been my best medicine.  I am very physically active and when not moving around I focus my mind on other things that I love such as reading or creating.  While in the thick of my (C)PTSD it was hard for me to do any of this!  Once again, I am so thankful for where I am today and hope that others who struggle will also find light at the end of the tunnel like I have.

Now that I have given you a brief update, I am excited to announce that I promise to be more active in posting.  It was healthy for me to take a small hiatus but I also believe that what I have to say needs to be said and needs to be read.  If you have any questions or topics that you want to be addressed on my blog, please feel free to email me at fiftyshadesoftruthandbs@gmail.com.  I always welcome your feedback and suggestions.

Be well!

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Dear Reader; Thank You From the Bottom of My Heart! <3

Dear Reader;

Let’s be honest.  I was terrified to create Fifty Shades Of Truth and BS because I knew it would expose the unflattering truths of the BDSM lifestyle that I used to live. The social stigma and the daily life associated with such a lifestyle are not nearly as glamorous as the elaborate fantasies told in the Fifty Shades Trilogy (by author E. L. James).  Yet, here you are still reading.

Most people cannot begin to fathom the lifestyle that I onced lived as an active member of the BDSM community.  I was once labeled as a slave and I naively assumed the position given my previous life conditioning.  I did not have the ability to say “no” to abuser M nor was I able to recognize that such a relationship was unhealthy and doomed from the get-go.  Did I live the 24/7 BDSM lifestyle by choice?  No.  There was a time when I was in denial and refused to believe or acknowledge that my introduction and entry into the lifestyle was against my will.  However, after quite a bit of recovery work I now see that my apparent complete submission to a self proclaimed sociopath (amongst other things) was nothing more than a product of the combination of circumstance associated with the neglect and abuse that I endured as a child as well as the vulnerabilities associated with such traumas.  My vulnerabilities were completely exposed and apparent to such a man of wit and manipulation.  And he seized the opportunity to his advantage. 

I now also realize that I am not alone in this frequent phenomenon.  BDSM can seem fun and enchanting but it can also be very dangerous and even deadly at times.  And that is one of the many reasons as to why I am ending the silence on my personal experiences with domestic violence and related abuse.

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Let’s be even more honest.  I truly believed that I would be highly stigmatized due to the lifestyle that I engaged in (despite the good intention behind the message that I am trying to exude here).  If only I could easily convey the isolating stigma that I have personally encountered by being an open member of such a community but it is not so easy to comprehend if you have not personally encountered similar stigmatization yourself.  It is an assumed and calculated risk if you openly claim to engage in the BDSM lifestyle.  Yet such a risk healthily provokes the members of the BDSM community to lovingly and loyally support each other as if they are all members of an extended tight knit family.

However… to my great astonishment I have encountered 99% positive feedback on my blog.  I am taken aback!  Yes of course I have encountered a few negative duds along the way, but such is life.  I won’t let words bring me down after all I have endured in life.

Anyways, what I really want to say is…

THANK YOU FOR FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART!

For your support.

It means the world to me. 

This letter is intended for everyone and anyone who is reading my blog, despite your opinions or viewpoints.  The purpose of my blog is to spread the word about the dangers associated with BDSM and related domestic abuse while also promoting my recovery from CPTSD.  Your presence here on my blog has accomplished just that.  So, thank you again from the bottom of my heart.

With Love,

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 P.S. I hope you stay tuned in to my future journey!

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My Feet Still Hurt; The Death of My Glasses – Trigger Alert

Trigger Alert


About two weeks ago I fell into one of the most severe flashbacks that I can remember ever dealing with in my (C)PTSD recovery.  There were a series of events that triggered the intense flashback but I won’t get into that right now.

During the flashback I had realized that my glasses (pictured broken below) were directly linked to one of my abusers who I will call abuser “M”.  The horrific realization immediately disgusted me… and so I decided to destroy my glass.

The result of a PTSD flashback.
The result of a PTSD flashback.

How did I destroy my glasses?  I stomped on them with my bare feet.  Once I realized the connection between my glasses and abuser “M” I knew that I could never look through those lenses again.  And so I decided to therapeutically break them…at least that is how I prefer to describe the tantrum that I was going through while I was stomping on my glasses with my bare feet.

And it was worth it!  My feet still hurt from the after effects of stomping on the glasses with bare feet… but it was worth knowing that I will never look through those lenses again.  Some people may see my tantrum as destructive anger but I beg to differ.  Breaking my glasses was constructive because it has moved me one step further towards my recovery and evolution.

And besides… I have another pair of glasses anyways!  And now I have a great excuse to get contacts lenses.

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Lancing the Festering Wounds

I have been told over and over and over again that I need to “get over” and “move on” from my traumas.  It is most painful when I am told this by people who claim to be supportive of my recovery.  I agree to a certain extent and in a fantasy world I would be able to move on over night.  However, there is a difference between moving on and getting over my traumas.  I know that I will never be able to “get over” my traumas simply because I will never be able to forget them and they shaped who I am today.  I am reminded of them in almost every instance of my life.  I am entitled to be angry and grieve what has been stolen from me.  There is no proper timeline for me or any other survivor to move on from our traumas.  I believe that I am moving on at this very moment by forcing myself to process the traumas that I remember.  It is healthy yet painful.

Sometimes I akin recovering from (C)PTSD to lancing a festering wound in your stomach.  It has to be done eventually or else the wound will eventually overcome your body with sickness.  The wound might even suddenly burst open with smelly rotten discharge if it is not dealt with properly.  Once the festering wound is lanced, it will be painful, smelly and disgusting as the rotting discharge releases… but remember that this step to healing is necessary.  The wound will have a chance to heal once the discharge is cleaned away.  There is a possibility that the scars that are left from lancing the wound will be visible or not.

I am simply in the stage of my recovery where my festering wounds are being lanced… and who knows how long the wounds will take to completely heal.  Maybe they won’t.  Maybe I will have scars forever.  But at least I won’t have a festering wound anymore.  

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Featured post

Ending the Silence

Today I took a very scary yet important step towards the recovery and evolution of myself.  Today is the day that I am ending the silence on domestic violence and its surprising effects on my life.  Please join me in my journey of self recovery and evolution. 

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