I wish that I could say that I thought differently of myself… but I now understand that I have difficulties with loving myself because I was not shown love as a child. The harder I grasp onto that fact, the swifter I begin to create love and self compassion for myself.
About two weeks ago I fell into one of the most severe flashbacks that I can remember ever dealing with in my (C)PTSD recovery. There were a series of events that triggered the intense flashback but I won’t get into that right now.
During the flashback I had realized that my glasses (pictured broken below) were directly linked to one of my abusers who I will call abuser “M”. The horrific realization immediately disgusted me… and so I decided to destroy my glass.
How did I destroy my glasses? I stomped on them with my bare feet. Once I realized the connection between my glasses and abuser “M” I knew that I could never look through those lenses again. And so I decided to therapeutically break them…at least that is how I prefer to describe the tantrum that I was going through while I was stomping on my glasses with my bare feet.
And it was worth it! My feet still hurt from the after effects of stomping on the glasses with bare feet… but it was worth knowing that I will never look through those lenses again. Some people may see my tantrum as destructive anger but I beg to differ. Breaking my glasses was constructive because it has moved me one step further towards my recovery and evolution.
And besides… I have another pair of glasses anyways! And now I have a great excuse to get contacts lenses.