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Fifty Shades of Truth and BS

Exposing abuse under the guise of BDSM & related reflections on self-recovery.

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The Ultimate Guide to BDSM – Video by Carvaka

Hello Lovelies!

The release of Fifty Shades Darker has reignited the general public’s interest in all things BDSM. However, many newbie BDSM’ers are often left a little bewildered about some of the finer details of this strange new world. While we all are pretty familiar with handcuffs and blindfolds, many would struggle to tell their armbinders from their Wartenberg Pinwheels! Thankfully the guys over at Carvaka have produced an ultimate guide that tells you all you need to know. It even covers an explanation of some of the slightly confusing lingo used as well as introducing some of the more commonly used BDSM toys. So if you are intrigued by BDSM and looking to learn a little bit more, check out the below video!

And as always, please stay safe, sane and consensual.

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My Feet Still Hurt; The Death of My Glasses – Trigger Alert

Trigger Alert


About two weeks ago I fell into one of the most severe flashbacks that I can remember ever dealing with in my (C)PTSD recovery.  There were a series of events that triggered the intense flashback but I won’t get into that right now.

During the flashback I had realized that my glasses (pictured broken below) were directly linked to one of my abusers who I will call abuser “M”.  The horrific realization immediately disgusted me… and so I decided to destroy my glass.

The result of a PTSD flashback.
The result of a PTSD flashback.

How did I destroy my glasses?  I stomped on them with my bare feet.  Once I realized the connection between my glasses and abuser “M” I knew that I could never look through those lenses again.  And so I decided to therapeutically break them…at least that is how I prefer to describe the tantrum that I was going through while I was stomping on my glasses with my bare feet.

And it was worth it!  My feet still hurt from the after effects of stomping on the glasses with bare feet… but it was worth knowing that I will never look through those lenses again.  Some people may see my tantrum as destructive anger but I beg to differ.  Breaking my glasses was constructive because it has moved me one step further towards my recovery and evolution.

And besides… I have another pair of glasses anyways!  And now I have a great excuse to get contacts lenses.

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Lancing the Festering Wounds

I have been told over and over and over again that I need to “get over” and “move on” from my traumas.  It is most painful when I am told this by people who claim to be supportive of my recovery.  I agree to a certain extent and in a fantasy world I would be able to move on over night.  However, there is a difference between moving on and getting over my traumas.  I know that I will never be able to “get over” my traumas simply because I will never be able to forget them and they shaped who I am today.  I am reminded of them in almost every instance of my life.  I am entitled to be angry and grieve what has been stolen from me.  There is no proper timeline for me or any other survivor to move on from our traumas.  I believe that I am moving on at this very moment by forcing myself to process the traumas that I remember.  It is healthy yet painful.

Sometimes I akin recovering from (C)PTSD to lancing a festering wound in your stomach.  It has to be done eventually or else the wound will eventually overcome your body with sickness.  The wound might even suddenly burst open with smelly rotten discharge if it is not dealt with properly.  Once the festering wound is lanced, it will be painful, smelly and disgusting as the rotting discharge releases… but remember that this step to healing is necessary.  The wound will have a chance to heal once the discharge is cleaned away.  There is a possibility that the scars that are left from lancing the wound will be visible or not.

I am simply in the stage of my recovery where my festering wounds are being lanced… and who knows how long the wounds will take to completely heal.  Maybe they won’t.  Maybe I will have scars forever.  But at least I won’t have a festering wound anymore.  

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Featured post

Ending the Silence

Today I took a very scary yet important step towards the recovery and evolution of myself.  Today is the day that I am ending the silence on domestic violence and its surprising effects on my life.  Please join me in my journey of self recovery and evolution. 

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