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Fifty Shades of Truth and BS

Exposing abuse under the guise of BDSM & related reflections on self-recovery.

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lifestyle

From Surviving to Thriving

It has been a very long time since I last posted to my blog and there is a wonderful reason why. I was taking a much-needed mental health hiatus.

My diagnosis of C-PTSD a few years back was a blessing in disguise. At least that is how I look at it now. Initially the diagnosis was difficult to handle but years down the road I am so very thankful for the diagnosis because it allowed me to take the steps to heal from my past traumas and to grow from them.

Since my diagnosis I have had a lot of therapy and have learned to look at life in a different light than I used to when I was i nthe thick of my PTSD. Everything these days seems to be brighter and happier. I look forward to the future and it seems that every day just gets better and better. I even enjoy those days that you wish could have ended before they started. I try to find the bright side of every life encounter and have faith that if I don’t see the bright side right away it will be revealed to me eventually.

How did I get here? Like I said, initially it took a lot of therapy which helped me to learn how to retrain my brain for the better. The most important thing that I took away from therapy is learning how to take responsibility for my life today. I may not have had control over some of the horrible things that happened to me as a child and even in my adult life but I do have control over my life now. I do have the ability to stop the cycle of trauma. I do have the responsibility to love myself enough to not put myself in situations that can have the potential to continually traumatize me. I do have a say in how my life goes these days and I am thankful for that!

I have a girlfriend who has been in a few abusive relationships and has also been diagnosed with PTSD. I try to be as supportive to her as possible when she needs me. There have been a few times in the past few years where her life has been in complete turmoil and she calls me and asks how I am so happy these days. She doesn’t understand how she can ever get out of the negative PTSD cycle of self hate and perpetual trauma.

My answer to her is alway similar – stop reliving the trauma. The moment you decide to take responsibility for your life and to change it for the better is the moment you will start to get better and recover from this disease that we call Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. That moment that you realize, “I can change the direction my life is going and take a positive turn” is the initial step to healing.

She has not yet grasped this concept but I will be her friend as long as she needs me and hope that one day she will understand what I mean. I cannot judge her for not understanding what I mean yet because there was a point in my life where I was so deeply depressed by my PTSD that I couldn’t even imagine a light at the end of the tunnel. I am not better than her and I will never judge her for the decisions she makes in her life today. But I can be a gentle guide and hope that one day she switches her mindset from surviving to thriving.

And today I cannot even imagine going back to survival mode. Today my life is thriving and I am joyous and elated to see what the future holds in store for me. I am so thankful for this journey we call life and hope I can inspire you to look at life in a similar light.

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The Ultimate Guide to BDSM – Video by Carvaka

Hello Lovelies!

The release of Fifty Shades Darker has reignited the general public’s interest in all things BDSM. However, many newbie BDSM’ers are often left a little bewildered about some of the finer details of this strange new world. While we all are pretty familiar with handcuffs and blindfolds, many would struggle to tell their armbinders from their Wartenberg Pinwheels! Thankfully the guys over at Carvaka have produced an ultimate guide that tells you all you need to know. It even covers an explanation of some of the slightly confusing lingo used as well as introducing some of the more commonly used BDSM toys. So if you are intrigued by BDSM and looking to learn a little bit more, check out the below video!

And as always, please stay safe, sane and consensual.

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The First Munch Was Awkward – Trigger Alert

Trigger Alert


You may be wondering exactly what a munch is.  A munch is a casual social meeting where participants that attend are interested in or involved in BDSM.  Munches are useful to members of the BDSM community as they are a means and a physical venue to connect.  Mind you munches were popularized well before the era of social media but munches are still widely attended.  Munches act as a source of education and social interaction within local BDSM communities.  You can find a munch in nearly any large city!  Google it and see.  Perhaps you would like to check one out for yourself.

The first official munch that I attended was in 2012.  I am unsure how abuser M found out about said munch but he suggested that we check it out to possibly connect with like minded people.  I was more than happy to speak with other people in similar situations to me.  Abuser M and I did live the BDSM lifestyle 24/7 after all.  There were not many people at that time who were open about living the BDSM lifestyle.  I treasured the idea of making any friends who also lived the lifestyle and who were open to speaking about it with me.  I hungered for other humans to talk to.  I was completely isolated from the real world.  After quite some time of feeling alone in the abuse I endured, I gladly agreed to attend the munch with abuser M, not that I could really say no to him.

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I still have some specific memories about the first munch that I attended although I don’t remember a lot of details because abuser M and I attended quite a few other munches after the first trial run.  I felt completely awkward attending the first munch.  At a munch you are outing yourself to the attendees, the public around you and therefore the world.  You can’t really hide the fact that you are involved in the BDSM community if you are yapping about it with a group of people over fries and beer.  The first munch that we went to was held in downtown Berkeley, CA in a small but popular cafe.  Abuser M put on my old special “bling” collar lock just to show off his property.  This collar lock was only worn at openly BDSM events as abuser M was of the impression that the rhinestones were flashy and not “public appropriate”  since it attracted more attention than my 24/7 collar.

My old
My old “bling” collar lock – only worn for special BDSM related occasions.

The first munch that we attended was geared towards the younger adults that were involved in the local BDSM community, specifically those who were 30 years of age and under.  At the time of our first munch, abuser M and I both qualified for this only requirement to attend the meeting (I still do).  At the munch we sat around restaurant tables and openly spoke about BDSM topics amongst ourselves.  Attendees came and went as they pleased.  Some people had obviously met before and there was even a munch leader who was in charge of organizing the event each month.  We met a few nice people and exchanged contact information with a various other people that we had met.  Overall the munch felt very awkward and almost forced until I consumed a bit of alcohol and only then was it easier to open up to the other attendees and begin to make connections.

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That wasn’t the last munch that abuser M and I attended but was certainly the first munch that I do remember attending and it marked my memory.  It wasn’t very eventful yet it cemented abuser M’s force over me because he felt even more comfortable displaying me as his property openly in public.  He felt comfortable talking about the subject of BDSM amongst other like-minded people and even confessed to me that he felt like he could fit in a community for once.  Sadly, over time he could not maintain sufficient contact to make many like minded friends in the BDSM community and probably still has not (yet he still claims to actively live the lifestyle).  He is anti-social even in one of the most antisocial communities that I have ever encountered.

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Abuser M once confessed to me that he had always felt alone… after beginning to understand the level of abuser M’s sociopathy, I could not agree with him any more.  People who openly thrive off of the extreme suffering of others such as Abuser M are downright scary.  I rarely encountered people amongst even the BDSM community that I considered as twisted and sadistic as abuser M.  Even amongst extreme sexual sadists, he is a loner and an outcast.

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